Women, know thy powers: baked goods mesmerize men
Anastasia Ealey
Issue date: 4/16/09 Section: Opinion
As the saying goes, the straightest route to a man's heart is through the stomach. Mothers for many generations have used this axiom to explain why they are forcing their daughters to learn the culinary arts. Little do they know that they are really teaching their daughters to be deceptive and cunning. The fact is, just like the witch in the gingerbread house with Hansel and Gretel, women who can cook possess great power, and, if they have no scruples, are not to be trusted.
It is likely that most of these women are unaware of the powerful magic which they possess. Make no mistake: women who cook well have witchcraft in their fingers. This power is used to ensnare boyfriends and husbands, ease relations between world leaders and, in the case of France, keep an entire nation so preoccupied that it never accomplishes anything good or substantial (with the possible exception of founding the world's top cooking schools). But whether women misuse this magic with deliberate intent or not is a matter between them and their maker. For those who grew up in a home without a good cook (or currently live on a steady diet of poor food, such as college students), any moral qualms about the motives behind good food immediately disappear after the first few bites.
Indeed, if the quality and quantity of food is right on, a good cook can bend any poor soul to their will. How well I remember an incident my first year of college in which a dear friend once fed an entire boys' dorm, and was consequently named their Demi-Goddess. So complete was her power that, after an incident where they "displeased" her, a few of them brought her roses on Valentine's Day and lay prostrate on the ground at her feet. She related this to me immediately afterwards, and, as I expressed a desire to have been present at the time, led me after them into the frosty February night to demand a repeat performance, which was immediately done. As I stood watching in admiration and horror while we both snapped pictures, it slowly dawned on me that these were powers worth cultivating. After much trial and error, I finally reached a brownie recipe of such powerful magic that, after sending a steady stream of them every few months to my brother at his college, I had completely won over not only his roommate, but many of his friends to my power. Now, if he ever "displeases" me, all I have to do is threaten to end his flow of baked goods, and not only are his friends "strongly encouraging" him to repent, but he immediately makes amends with little or no resistance.
So what, then, are the single men of the world to do when they find themselves entranced by a good cook? I address their plight specifically, as world leaders are none the worse for good cooks, and France is beyond hope of salvaging a reputation as a world power in anything besides delicacies. Individual men must examine their consciences, and choose their fate - does Hansel avoid the saucy sorceress, or does he run into the Gingerbread House and ignore the fact that he might end up in hot water (or a hot oven, in this case)? Considering that man is nowhere near becoming extinct, and that the majority of good cooks are usually married, it seems most men choose the latter option, even though it means captivity and pain - delicious captivity and pain.
It is likely that most of these women are unaware of the powerful magic which they possess. Make no mistake: women who cook well have witchcraft in their fingers. This power is used to ensnare boyfriends and husbands, ease relations between world leaders and, in the case of France, keep an entire nation so preoccupied that it never accomplishes anything good or substantial (with the possible exception of founding the world's top cooking schools). But whether women misuse this magic with deliberate intent or not is a matter between them and their maker. For those who grew up in a home without a good cook (or currently live on a steady diet of poor food, such as college students), any moral qualms about the motives behind good food immediately disappear after the first few bites.
Indeed, if the quality and quantity of food is right on, a good cook can bend any poor soul to their will. How well I remember an incident my first year of college in which a dear friend once fed an entire boys' dorm, and was consequently named their Demi-Goddess. So complete was her power that, after an incident where they "displeased" her, a few of them brought her roses on Valentine's Day and lay prostrate on the ground at her feet. She related this to me immediately afterwards, and, as I expressed a desire to have been present at the time, led me after them into the frosty February night to demand a repeat performance, which was immediately done. As I stood watching in admiration and horror while we both snapped pictures, it slowly dawned on me that these were powers worth cultivating. After much trial and error, I finally reached a brownie recipe of such powerful magic that, after sending a steady stream of them every few months to my brother at his college, I had completely won over not only his roommate, but many of his friends to my power. Now, if he ever "displeases" me, all I have to do is threaten to end his flow of baked goods, and not only are his friends "strongly encouraging" him to repent, but he immediately makes amends with little or no resistance.
So what, then, are the single men of the world to do when they find themselves entranced by a good cook? I address their plight specifically, as world leaders are none the worse for good cooks, and France is beyond hope of salvaging a reputation as a world power in anything besides delicacies. Individual men must examine their consciences, and choose their fate - does Hansel avoid the saucy sorceress, or does he run into the Gingerbread House and ignore the fact that he might end up in hot water (or a hot oven, in this case)? Considering that man is nowhere near becoming extinct, and that the majority of good cooks are usually married, it seems most men choose the latter option, even though it means captivity and pain - delicious captivity and pain.
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Jon
posted 4/16/09 @ 10:24 PM EST
Excellent treatise on the magical power of food over men. I really appreciated both your humor and the truths behind that humor. However, it does occur to me that there are some guys I know who are incredible bakers (though they would never admit it) to the point of female-folk deferring to their superior skills. (Continued…)
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