The Oscars gone wrong?
By Joel Pavelski and Jancy Nightingale Collegian Reporter and Freelancer
Issue date: 2/19/09 Section: Opinion
Dear Academy,
This is a ransom note. Any false moves and my television remote may never click to your awards show broadcast ever again. Listen carefully.
Your show is outdated. Back in the days of Johnny Carson, it was unusual and glamorous for stars to dress up and congratulate each other for five hours. Now, we're inundated with self-congratulation and we don't have the attention span for it anymore. We'll check out photos and the award list online. Even at the Golden Globes, a more interesting and modern awards show, viewers were down 30 percent this year.
Now, let's imagine that you've learned from the last few years, and instead of picking every pretentious, blatantly political period movie you can get your vote on, you integrated more popular and well-known favorites.
But you haven't. This year's best picture nominees collectively have the worst combined box office take in Academy history. Also, the nominees suck.
In response, we're holding our remote captive.
Complaints:
Thirteen nominations for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," five for "The Reader":
Okay, Academy, we're going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you, like us, fell asleep half-way into "Benjamin Button" during the 19th revelatory scene where Cate Blanchett (GASP!) discovers that Brad Pitt (GASP!) is even younger (GASP!) while she (GASP!) has grown (GASP!) older (GASP!). That's the only explanation we can think of for this overwrought, self-satisfied "Forrest Gump" rip-off garnering a single nomination, much less 13.
Also, no one saw "The Reader" because it wasn't a good movie. Why did it beat out Christopher Nolan in directing and best picture?
Shutouts:
Here was your chance, Academy, to recognize movies that audiences actually recognized too. "The Dark Knight" was an international smash hit, and an excellent movie, and you know it.
You nominated it in seven technical categories, so where's the Best Picture nomination? It deserves one.
Also, why shut out "Gran Torino"? Everyone we know loved that movie, and we know you love Clint. What's the deal?
Actresses:
Normally, given Hollywood's lack of substantial female roles, voters can hardly even fill in the five given spaces on the ballot.
But this year, when your roll call could have included Michelle Williams for "Wendy and Lucy," Sally Hawkins in "Happy-Go-Lucky" and Kristin Scott Thomas in "I've Loved You So Long," you nominate Meryl Streep and Kate Winslett? Really?
Now, we know that you have to draw in viewers with the inevitable, "Will Kate finally get the damn golden man?" and "Meryl's most rehearsed acting job: pretending to be happy for the winner," but their performances this year were among their weakest. Let's spread the love.
Best Picture:
Our Demand: "Slumdog Millionaire," the one movie that everyone could agree on.
Leading Actor:
Our Demand: Mickey Rourke, because everyone loves a comeback.
Leading Actress:
Our Demand: Kate Winslett, just so we never have to worry about her edging out better actors with the sympathy vote ever again.
Best Supporting Actor:
Our Demand: Heath Ledger. Need we say more?
Best Supporting Actress:
Our Demand: Viola Davis, who stole the "Doubt" show from our century's best actors, Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Best Director:
Our Demand: Danny Boyle, the only really worthwhile nominee in the category.
This is a ransom note. Any false moves and my television remote may never click to your awards show broadcast ever again. Listen carefully.
Your show is outdated. Back in the days of Johnny Carson, it was unusual and glamorous for stars to dress up and congratulate each other for five hours. Now, we're inundated with self-congratulation and we don't have the attention span for it anymore. We'll check out photos and the award list online. Even at the Golden Globes, a more interesting and modern awards show, viewers were down 30 percent this year.
Now, let's imagine that you've learned from the last few years, and instead of picking every pretentious, blatantly political period movie you can get your vote on, you integrated more popular and well-known favorites.
But you haven't. This year's best picture nominees collectively have the worst combined box office take in Academy history. Also, the nominees suck.
In response, we're holding our remote captive.
Complaints:
Thirteen nominations for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," five for "The Reader":
Okay, Academy, we're going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you, like us, fell asleep half-way into "Benjamin Button" during the 19th revelatory scene where Cate Blanchett (GASP!) discovers that Brad Pitt (GASP!) is even younger (GASP!) while she (GASP!) has grown (GASP!) older (GASP!). That's the only explanation we can think of for this overwrought, self-satisfied "Forrest Gump" rip-off garnering a single nomination, much less 13.
Also, no one saw "The Reader" because it wasn't a good movie. Why did it beat out Christopher Nolan in directing and best picture?
Shutouts:
Here was your chance, Academy, to recognize movies that audiences actually recognized too. "The Dark Knight" was an international smash hit, and an excellent movie, and you know it.
You nominated it in seven technical categories, so where's the Best Picture nomination? It deserves one.
Also, why shut out "Gran Torino"? Everyone we know loved that movie, and we know you love Clint. What's the deal?
Actresses:
Normally, given Hollywood's lack of substantial female roles, voters can hardly even fill in the five given spaces on the ballot.
But this year, when your roll call could have included Michelle Williams for "Wendy and Lucy," Sally Hawkins in "Happy-Go-Lucky" and Kristin Scott Thomas in "I've Loved You So Long," you nominate Meryl Streep and Kate Winslett? Really?
Now, we know that you have to draw in viewers with the inevitable, "Will Kate finally get the damn golden man?" and "Meryl's most rehearsed acting job: pretending to be happy for the winner," but their performances this year were among their weakest. Let's spread the love.
Best Picture:
Our Demand: "Slumdog Millionaire," the one movie that everyone could agree on.
Leading Actor:
Our Demand: Mickey Rourke, because everyone loves a comeback.
Leading Actress:
Our Demand: Kate Winslett, just so we never have to worry about her edging out better actors with the sympathy vote ever again.
Best Supporting Actor:
Our Demand: Heath Ledger. Need we say more?
Best Supporting Actress:
Our Demand: Viola Davis, who stole the "Doubt" show from our century's best actors, Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Best Director:
Our Demand: Danny Boyle, the only really worthwhile nominee in the category.
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